Once upon a time there were three bears. One day, the Father bear up and said “I am a big and fearsome bear! RAARRGGHHH!! I shall now go out and rampage the city!!”
Then Momma bear said “Well, wait up a moment. I am a somewhat big and semi-fearsome bear. Raargh. And I don’t mind telling you, I could do with some rampaging right about now. First of all there’s that awful seamstress, she could certainly do with some rampaging around her shop. And don’t get me started on Dora with her gossip!”
Then the little baby bear said “Aww, Mum! Da! I don’t want to stay home while you are rampaging. In fact, I’ve heard about a witch’s cottage on the edge of the forest that is made of treats and gingerbread and other lovely things. I should very much like to rampage there. I have often dreamt of those lovely shingles.”
So the three of them lumbered off towards the city. They all went on their hind legs in a very fearsome fashion, although they had to go very slowly. None of them were very used to walking on their hind legs, especially with their paws in the air to be extra fearsome and so they wobbled a lot. It’s very difficult to throw fear into people when you are wobbling about trying not to fall down, so they had to go very slowly.
They reached town eventually and got down to some serious rampaging. Father bear went over to the blacksmith’s with his paws in the air and a horrible “RAAARGH” and went about trying to destroy the place. Occasionally, he would stop and fling a horseshoe at the maypole in the center of town to break up the monotony, but he always missed.
Mother went straight over to that awful seamstresses shop. She went around and around inside, chewing on things and smacking things about with her large frightening paws. She wasn’t exceptional at it, but it did her ursine heart good to see the expression on the seamstresses face.
The baby bear was nowhere near the witch’s cottage but he didn’t want to leave the area where Mum and Da were. “Perhaps,” he thought to himself, “we shall have the lovely cottage for dessert!” This cheered him and he went and found a small doghouse which he circled over and over again, occasionally smacking it with his paw.
Now despite bears being large and fearful creatures, they are not exactly built to rampage small towns, not in the same way that Godzilla or Rodan are. So after several hours they had only finished rampaging their first building and had just moved on to their secondary targets. So the town decided that perhaps something ought to be done.
Luckily for them a strange boy had just appeared in town, wearing mysterious Eastern clothing. He came to the mayor and said for 5000 gold per bear he would gladly rid the town of the awful scourge. The mayor agreed and the mysterious boy went to the center of town and rubbed an oil lamp he had been carrying under his arm.
Suddenly a fearsome scarlet smoke boiled out of the lamp and took the shape of a dark and frightening red genie! “What shall I do for you, oh Master?” the genie bellowed, in a deep voice that shook the small town’s windows.
“Put some tutus on those bears, okay?”
“Oh, sure, that one’s simple…”
The genie clapped his hands twice with a sound like thunder and there was a brilliant flash. Suddenly all three bears were wearing tutus; frilly pink tutus that were very expensive looking and feminine. These were magical tutus that didn’t end at the skin. No, these tutus went straight down to your soul.
The baby bear was shocked. “No!” he cried. “I look silly! What if my mates see me?? I must run and hide!” And off he flew into the forest.
The father bear looked down and bellowed “NOOOOOOOOOOO! I am not secure enough in my masculinity to wear a tutu!” And off he flew into the forest.
Then momma bear looked down and said “My goodness! Isn’t this lovely? I do feel very pretty now! I almost feel like dancing!” And she lumbered off on four paws into the center of town near the maypole and did a pretty little dance for everyone.
The mysterious boy in foreign clothes went back to the mayor and said, “See? I have banished your bear problem! Well... mostly. Two out of three isn’t bad, and I should at least get half pay for the girl bear. She’s not a threat to the town anymore. So that will be 12,500 gold and I shall be leaving.”
The mayor shuffled in his seat a bit. “Well, look at the time! And the month! And see where the sun is in the sky! Funny you should bring up the subject of payment. Turns out we had a piper through here just last week, so we’re a bit short at the moment. Perhaps you could come back sometime next year?”
The boy rolled his eyes and went out to the town center again, being sure not to be pulled in to dance with the bear. A dark and fearsome look came upon his face and he rubbed his magic lamp. The horrible genie filled the sky of the town center with his dark scarlet cloud and the townspeople trembled.
“Give ‘em ALL tutus, okay?” he requested of the genie.
With a roll of thunder and a brilliant flash of light, the entire town was suddenly wearing tutus.
It took quite a while for all the guys in town to get used to the tutus, but business must go on. The women in town were annoyed at how hard their outfits were to accessorize, but they did occasionally join the mama bear for little pirouettes in the town center.
And the baby bear wandered past the witch’s cottage and ate the whole thing. So everything turned out okay in the end.